H.O.A (How Outrageously Asinine)

So when I had to sell my house a few months ago the realtor politely suggested I get a rental instead of trying to stay until the house actually sold.  This was a very wise man who knew my then current state of “bat shit crazy” might possibly put off a potential buyer.  In addition to my ever changing state of mind and the unpredictable consequences of it, I have 3 dogs.  These are not just little hide them in your purse dogs, these are three, throw a saddle on them and ride them to town, dogs.   They range between 75 and 110 pounds each and all 3 are on the  “scary dangerous cause some idiot said so list”.  Add to that 4 aquatic turtles who unbeknownst to me, pose a danger because they live in water, and this makes finding a rental an act of God, as just about every property for rent in Florida is part of an HOA. 

 Now if you have never had the opportunity to live in a community with an HOA, consider yourself lucky and don’t ever move!  An HOA consists of a group of usually old, always bored, nitpicking individuals who were most likely bullied all through school and are on a mission to get their revenge by writing everyone violations for being alive! 

I was granted entrance into my current rental community by finding loopholes in the rules and by being a massive pain in the ass (which comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me).  I had the dogs declared “emotional support animals” which means by law, I am allowed to live anywhere animals are allowed regardless of any HOA rules.  All I had to do was tell a psychologist a small piece of what I lived through the last 6 years of my life and he happily agreed I needed the dogs for support (and probably some really good drugs too).

The turtles, believe it or not were a little bit more of a challenge.  The HOA rules specifically state no aquariums, no waterbeds, no furniture containing water, and no pools of any kind are allowed in or on the property.   I was sure logic would prevail if I explained that all I wanted was for permission to place an outdoor garden aquarium on my back patio.  This would mean I would not be damaging the lawn nor would I be in the way of the lawn service and there was no potential to damage the inside of the house.  I learned that day there is no logic in the minds or the rules of the HOA, I was told no.  Not being one to give into tyranny, I raised my “kind request” up to the community manager.  Once again I was told no and pointed to the section of the HOA documents forbidding anything with water in it.  After expressing my dismay (basically threatening in no uncertain terms to sue their assess off for trying to enforce a stupid rule that causes emotional distress and impedes my constitutional right of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness) I went over the community manager’s head to the district manager.  After sharing my emails previously sent to the community manager and then placing calls to him every single day for a week, I was granted written permission to bring the turtles.

Now that I am here and settled in with my creatures great and small, I have turned irritating the HOA into a favorite pastime.  My first shot was asking how I could be bound by rules of an HOA since I don’t own a home, I rent!  I mean seriously it’s a “HOME OWNER’S” ASSOCIATION!  I was “politely” referred back to the HOA documents and my lease while simultaneously being invited to pay the early termination fee anytime I wish and remove myself from the premises.  Okay, serve returned.

A week later I got a violation email stating I had violated the rules by washing my car in the driveway.  My car washing activity caused brake dust to be left behind on the driveway which was an offensive eyesore and needed to be removed within one week or a fine of $75 would be charged plus the cost of the clean up.   Okay, well I responded with a copy of their violation right back to them stating, you have violated your own HOA rules by not maintaining my lawn in an acceptable manner.  Your landscape service does not come when scheduled and are only scheduled three times a month instead of weekly as they should be.  This makes my yard an offensive eyesore and you have one week to remedy or I don’t have to pay your $75 a month landscape fee.

What I have learned from this experience, is I may never have the power to enforce or thwart made up rules like they do and I may in fact get my sarcastic ass thrown out of here for trying but, I too am old, sometimes bored and love a challenge.  So bring it on HOA, the battle of witt’s and will has begun and even in defeat I know I am better armed!